Moderation is really hard for me. If I cannot do something 150%, then I will not do it at all. If I cannot be the best at what I do, I am not interested in doing it. I have the hardest time with finding the middle ground in life. Over achieving is a huge character flaw that I am working on.
Some people think that it is a "good" thing to be an over achiever. And maybe in some respects, somehow, it can be helpful. But, a lot of times it can be a very unhealthy characteristic.
I spent some time with my husband tonight bawling my eyes out because I felt like I wasn't doing "good enough." I told him I felt like I was inches away from burning out completely. I feel this way because I set such high expectations on myself, and refuse to allow myself to be human.
I would love to be (and most times expect myself to be) one of those women who eat and fix all raw clean foods for their family, exercise an hour a day, practice perfect attachment parenting, shop exclusively at whole foods, give birth with no medication, "wear my baby" everywhere I go, have a beautiful/clean house, read tons of books, run a mega mom blog, buy everything my family owns fair trade, look put together and carefree everyday, and somehow have the energy to be a great friend, a wonderful mom, and adoring wife... and be completely selfless.
Hell, no.
Truth? I try to eat healthy, but most nights end up polishing the day off with a bunch of chocolate. I try to workout an hour 5 times a week, but I only got 20 minutes in today. Shopping at Whole Foods is a joke with our grocery budget. I tried giving birth with no medication, but caved half way through. I try to practice attachment parenting, and "wear" Lily a lot- which sometimes is nice- but a lot of the time it kills my back, and I feel burnt out and weary at the end of the day. I never let her cry, or even fuss, which means I never get anything done- for myself or otherwise... I hold her all. day. long. FOR HOURS. I haven't read a book since I was pregnant. My 700 square foot apartment looks like a tornado went through it. I would be mortified if someone stopped by. My blog is sometimes more of a burden then an outlet to me. I feel incredible guilt for not having time to return e-mails and comments that wonderful people lovingly send my way. Sometimes when I see a friend is calling, I get a sense of dread thinking, "I seriously don't have the time or emotional energy to talk on the phone." Most nights I don't have the energy to even consider being romantic with my husband. And being a mom? I am wearing myself out worrying about my daughter. I feel like if I don't constantly worry about her, something will happen to her, and it will be my fault, and I will never forgive myself.
I have built myself up so much, that I am burning out.
The other night a good friend of mine was relating how she spent a few hours away from her kid, just having some good relaxing girl time. Immediately in my head, I rushed to judge her for spending hours away from her kid. I didn't know why this bothered me so much. Then I realized why I judged her. I was SO jealous of her freedom, and angry that I never allow myself any freedom. (Dear Friend, I am SO sorry I judged you. You are one of the most amazing, caring, loving, godly mama's in the world and I admire you GREATLY.)
And I get angry. My anger comes out in ways I am not proud of. I will be driving and if someone dares to cut me off, I lay on the horn, and yell, and wave my hands in the air. Very Christ-like, huh? Not at all. When my husband is home on the weekends, I usually give in to the temptation to pick an argument about how I feel like "the maid", and how I hate doing housework, and I shouldn't have to do it all by myself.
Sigh. Some days I feel really old.
So, back to the conversation I had with my husband earlier this evening... We talked about how I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't label myself, and expect myself to live up to these unrealistic expectations. In the pursuit of perfection, I find myself being half-assed at everything I do. I don't end up playing with Lily most days, because I am so worn out from holding her for hours. It is not fair to my family, and it is not fair to me.
So, in the midst of all this madness and realization, I am going to find the middle ground, the tension between 0% and 150%. I am going to pump, and go on a date night with my husband that lasts longer than 2 hours. I am going to hold my baby close; play with her and love her, but then teach her to take naps without sleeping on top of me. I am going to continue to "wear" her when we are out and about, but also teach her that it is ok if mommy lets her play on the floor for a awhile at home. I am going to have a girls night one night (cannot even remember the last girls night I have had). I am going to make sure to workout five times a week, but not obsessively. I am going to eat healthy, but not feel bad when I have dessert with my husband. I am going to write about what I want on my blog... not what I think everyone wants me to write about. I am going to quit writing to get followers, and start writing to just share my heart. I am going to spend a few minutes cleaning everyday, but then just let my apartment "be" and feel no guilt about that. At least it is well "lived in." : )
I am going to take care of myself, and my family in a much more balanced, healthy way.
Oh, and I am going to stop yelling and honking at poor drivers on the interstate. And I am going to quit bitching at my husband about housework. : )
I am going to be me... character flaws and all. Because I AM a good mom. I truly care about and love my kid. I am a good wife. I have given my husband all of my heart. I am a good friend... even if it takes me two weeks to e-mail/call back someone. I am proud of my little blog... I've put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into this blog- and I am so glad I have. I am healthy and strong... and proud of my body. I am going to start casting all my worry upon the Lord... especially concerning my daughter. As much as I love her, and would gladly do anything for her, even die for her if I had to.. Yet still, I can never take care of her or love her as much as Jesus loves her. He already DID die for her. I sit and worry and fret all day about her well being, and if I am raising her right... But all my worrying amounts to nothing-- because ONLY the Lord can truly take care of her. He has entrusted her to Kyle and me, and we can only do our best, and rely on Jesus for everything. (Kyle made a good point... God would not have entrusted her to me if he didn't think I could do a good job of taking care of her.)
But mostly... I am going to be waiting upon the Lord, leaning into his grace and presence.... allowing HIM to be my strength and my song. Allowing him to be GOD and not trying to be god myself. I cannot control life. He will direct my steps, and allow me to fall deeply into His overwhelming peace.
Because truly, I cannot do anything on my own accord... I live, move, and breathe heavily dependent upon his grace.
I seriously love you!
ReplyDeletehttp://breatheandhush.blogspot.com/
I love your intense, raw honesty in this post. You're awesome girl, don't beat yourself up. =D
ReplyDeletethanks for writing, being honest, sharing your heart...everything...
ReplyDeleteand shoot, if i lived a tiny bit closer, i'd come clean FOR you haha!
i'm definitely praying for you & your sweet family... for REST, peace...
:)
typical verse... but those who wait upon the LORD will RENEW their strength... it's a promise! God wants to and will renew your spirit...give you rest...and help!
This post is so, so amazing. And so are you. I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to this. I just finished writing a post on some similar feelings I've had in regards to blogging and you really hit the nail right on the head. You are such a beautiful person Mandy, and I feel so lucky to know you. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteSo much love my friend!
xoxo
i can so relate to this. us women are way to hard on ourselves and try too hard to be superwoman.
ReplyDeleteMandy, I think your heart reveals so much of what everyone goes through. We as a blogging Christ community have to stop with these standards because they are impossible to live up to and Christ never meant for us too. He knows how weak and sinful we are. He also knows how much he can do through us when we rely on him. I know you know this truth so well and I am so overjoyed that you feel like some balance and pressure relief will be approaching soon! Rest in him and trust that he will restore you. He gives us all we need and sustains us when we are weak.
ReplyDeleteThis is AWESOME... Not because you experienced a near burn out (sorry to hear that =( ...but because a lot of what you wrote reminded me of myself. I was crying to my husband for the very same reasons earlier this evening...I wanna do SO much and I feel like I'm not doing well enough. The crazy part is, I spent most of my day today crossing things off of my -to do- list. So, I'm obviously getting something done... it just doesn't feel that way sometimes... and I can totally relate to the whole tornado passing through your apartment look. We've definitely got that goin on right now. I spent hours cleaning today, and my body is raging mad at me for it (I'm 9 months pregnant) and it still looks messy in here! So anyway...I could go on forever about how appreciative I am for your honesty, but I'll stop here. =) Thanks for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteyou are beautiful my dear!
ReplyDeleteWow I love this! So beautiful. I feel all the same things you do. My son was almost 3 years old before I spent a night away from him. I now wish I had cut myself some slack and let him go for sleepovers at families houses a lot sooner.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like I'm not as good of a mom as some of the women on the blogs that I read, because I enjoy a night away and seriously NEED a break sometimes. I let my daughter cry it out and only let her sleep with me if she's sick and doesn't stay sleeping. This made me feel better. I respect you very much for being honest.
ReplyDeleteYou pretty much made me cry Mandy.
ReplyDeleteI was just laying in bed thinking about how I'm such a failure because I didn't get this done or that done, and how I should be doing blah blah blah. I couldn't fall asleep so I checked my phone and saw this post. I'm so glad I did because you are so right. Everything you were describing about how you ideally want to be is like word for word out of my journal. I feel like other people can do all of those things and be perfectly happy so why can't I? What's "wrong" with me that stops me from doing all those things?
Thank you for writing about this because I feel like women are all on this perfection quest and we have to trick everyone else into thinking we are happy and perfect instead of admitting that we all feel the same way. I have a lot of thinking to do! :)
I know exactly how you're feeling and I've felt this a numerous amount of times!! I used to bitch at David too about how I felt like I was just the maid and it's hard. Although I've come to realize that I can't set my standards so high because in doing so I'm only setting myself up for failure because in all reality it can't all be done and it's hard when you're a mom blogger and you feel somewhat pressured by other mom bloggers to be just as good or even better if that makes sense. At the end of the day all you can really do is do what's best for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteOh Jazmyn♥
I LOVE this. I am the same way, and getting ready to head back to school next week to finish my bachelors, I REALLY needed this today. Sometimes I get so sucked into being perfect and comparing myself to others that I forget to be me! Thanks for the reminder today. We do all things through Christ, not on our own! Will be praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteI swear I wrote thi same post a few months ago. You are not alone dear! Oh it's so hard to relinquish our FALSE control!
ReplyDeleteAwe... lady. I love this post, because a lot of mommies go through what you are gowing through and we hide it to try to seem like we are super mom and we are doing greatand we're happy, but being a mom can be stressful and overwhelmig at times. So,its beautiful that you are saying it like it is!! You know, I think all mommies are super moms, because being a mom is hard to work. Its the BEST thing ever being a mom, but it can be tough at times. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart. MATTHEW 11:28
ReplyDeleteThis is really such a beautiful post! I always think to myself, "if I did accomplish everything I wanted for myself, then what would I do?" Life is made up of these trials, and this low will make the high parts feel even higher! You are a great wife and momma, I'll be praying for you on finding your balance!
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much for your raw honesty here. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMandy, you don't know me. I'm writing from Australia. I've never commented before, but I read your blog often. This time, I felt I should speak up because you should know that a 30 year old professional woman on the other side of the world can read your writing, enjoy it, and take something away from it for her life. What you're doing is worthwhile. Keep going.
ReplyDeleteI'm a writer and follow lots of blogs. The ones I enjoy most are those that seem 'real', rather than constructed for money-making/publicity/popularity/fame. There's something very compelling about your writing - your posts are best when, like this one, your true self and voice comes out. No reader wants to feel they are pawns in some blogger's quest to sell stuff. Instead, when I read your posts I get a sense of this very good person really just working very hard - and sometimes even struggling - to make the most of her life as a wife, mother and woman in the world. You are able to articulate real human concerns and ideas when you write about your life. It is a joy to read.
Alice
Wow! Loved it, and could really relate. Just wow!
ReplyDeleteYour posts are always amazing..
ReplyDeletehey, you're a rock star!
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http://mustbeliberating.blogspot.com/
Your honesty is beautiful and so are you sweet friend :)
ReplyDeleteVery encouraging! You're in God's hands :)
ReplyDeletesoooo refreshing!! now THIS is honest writing. this is pretty much my life summed up, and i'm not even a mom. i bet every single person who reads this can relate. so thank you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest!
ReplyDeleteWOW! I am so strict with myself as well and put myself too much pressure which obviously influences everyone else next to me! Thanks for sharing this! I need to reconsider my life too! Thank you for your honesty! x
ReplyDeleteBeing a mommy is the hardest job there is. I feel like I cycle through these emotions at least every few months, and I think that's normal. When I feel it coming, I call up some girlfriends and we head to Panera! :-) It's okay for Lily and Kyle to have some daddy/daughter time.
ReplyDeleteI want to reach through my computer and hug you! Being a mom brings so much love and joy and fulfillment, but it's so hard to admit that it can also be very draining, frustrating, and even thankless. You are doing an awesome job, and Lily and Kyle are so blessed to have you to take care of them.
With a 4 and a half month old, I can relate to everything you have written here. I had a huge lump in my throat too, you sound like a perfectly normal, amazingly loving Mummy to me!
ReplyDeleteMy life became easier when I discovered that William likes to sleep on his tummy. It was one of those lightbulb moments, I realised that I could put him on his tummy and he would actually nap during the day. None of this 'only sleeping on Mummy' malarky!
As for romance.... I moved house when William was 6 weeks old, and we have been renovating since (knocking walls down, ripping out kitchens etc - messy!) So in the 5 months since we had our baby boy.... we've managed to be intimate once. Yep, once. **sigh**
Here's hoping once things at home have calmed down we can get back to being a couple ;o)
I love your blog, and how honestly you write. You are so wonderful xx
You have no idea how good it is to see your post and all of these comments about how everything is NOT all roses and flowing perfectly with mother/wifehood!!
ReplyDeleteIm a reasonably new wife and mama, and some days i'm lucky if i even change out of my PJs!! Iv been one of those mums that doesn't want to leave her bubba or let him cry and as a result i'm stuck either sitting in one spot while he sleeps, or carting him around in a sling!! I barely have time to shower let alone clean the house and cooking is a rare thing for me to be doing, and well, You get the idea!!
Thank you so much for your honesty!! Its so refreshing to see and i hope that you (and all of us) find your strength in Him!!
good luck with all that.
ReplyDeletei have been really overwhelmed with keeping my house clean lately and here is something that has really helped me. I made a list of all the things that i need to get done daily (like empty the sink, wipe down the counters) and things i need to do weekl (like sweep the whole house, clean the bathtub) and made a little chart with one "big" chore to do a day. it has really helped so far because i can get something done in 15 to 20 minutes and don't wait until the house is totally filthy and takes me a whole day to get straightened back up. just wanted to share something that has helped me recently.
Thanks Mandy. That was really beautiful.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I just became a mom less than two weeks ago and can already relate to the difficulty of it all. You're doing a great job! I love what your husband said about God entrusting Lily to you because he knows you can handle it. Justblast night inwas thinking how I "can't don this." But obviously God thinks I can because he gave me my precious boy. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI hear you sister and Amen to that! God bless you and your beautiful family xx
ReplyDeleteLove & best wishes from a quiet reader & mama in Australia x
ps - i dont wanna be anonymous - just not sure how to post my name - which is asha by the way :)
i felt a lot of this after gage was first born. some of my mother friends would go out, and i would wonder how in the world they could leave their babies with someone else for a few hours.
ReplyDeletenow i look back, and wonder how i could have ever felt like this. in order to be the best mama possible, we have to take care of ourselves.
thank you for being so open and honest.
I feel for you because I can honestly say I know what you're going through! I think it's ok to have 'Mummy Meltdowns' occasionally and I honestly appreciate that you're honest on your blog. There are so many other blogs that I read and then cry about my baby that doesn't sleep, the dinner that's not made, and my apartment that could be declared a state emergency. Being a mummy is hard work -- just know you're not in this alone! By the way, dark chocolate is good for you...lot's of antioxidants!!! Hmm...so is a glass of red wine come to think of it :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's not about what you do, but where your heart is. And you're heart is totally in the right place! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this. Your description of everything you want to do and be - I nodded my head the whole time. But I fall very short too. I'm 6 months pregnant and I feel as though I can't even get anything done now, even though I stay at home and don't have a child to care for yet, and I am already defeating myself by telling myself if I can't handle everything right now, I won't be able to do it with a baby. So in turn, I don't even try. I just sit here all day and don't do anything because I feel like I won't be able to do it right anyway.
ReplyDeleteI really needed to hear that other women feel this way, that I'm not the only one, and that I should still be trying my best everyday (even if it's not perfect) and that my best is good enough. Thanks so much for being honest! I know it's difficult!
I love your realness! It takes a lot to see your own flaws. I have a similar yet opposite problem, I know I can't be as perfect as I want to be so I don't even try. I am the 0% to your 150%....meet you in the middle?
ReplyDeleteFrom one over achiever to another, your post has hit me hard. Thank you for your honesty. For putting out there what you struggle with on a daily basis. I will be praying for you, that you can find your balance and that you will continue to rest in Jesus' support and love.
ReplyDeletemjlliving.blogspot.com
this is great. The real you is encouraging and gives us all a bit of a reality check.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
Mandy, thank you for being so honest. This is pretty much how I feel, so I can relate. I went to see a doctor just yesterday because I came to the conclusion I might be depressed and can fight by myself anymore, I need help. You are a great lady, really amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart. I will be praying for you. The blog world can be dangerous in that we get VERY brief snapshots into the lives of many, many different women/families. It is so easy to put it all together and create one crazy, super-human wife/mom. From what I can tell, you are a fabulous mommy and a loving, faithful wife. You are doing a great work! :) Keep you eye on who he has called you to be and rest in the fact that He is faithful to walk with you and make you path straight. He goes before and behind- He has our front and back so we can completely trust Him with our lives and our children's lives.
ReplyDeleteI am so blessed to have found your blog. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in feeling inadequate. Praise Jesus that He is helping you work this out and He will sustain you :)
Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
(Philippians 4:6-8) "6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
I love your honesty. This post truly speaks to my heart and how I often find myself feeling. Some days, it just hits me all at once. I can't help but feel bitter and put off. Frustrated and wore out. Like I need a break. A moment just to be able to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI hate myself for it, though. I hate the selfishness. the way I make it all about myself.... well, I need not explain. As you have done so, so perfectly right here.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It helps me understand my own a little better.
You are so awesome in your honesty. And you are so right about just letting it go to Jesus. I know I feel this way. Blogs are hard because they represent only a part of us, and mostly the good parts, so it's easy to get lost in what goes on the other 23 hours in the day. Know you are not alone in a messy, lived-in house, a baby that wants to be held, but you just set them down to play, they'll get used to it (it doesn't make you any less of a attached mama! it means they can be independent and learn to play and spend time alone) that you try to eat the best you can, on a limited budget. I struggle to find time for myself and for my husband. Know that it gets easier. Especially if you are planning another. I'm finally finding a breathe of air now as my second daughter is able to play with my first. It's all about balance, being okay that you aren't perfect. I know you read my post about attachment parenting, I hope it didn't come across like I live a perfect life like that! I so encourage you to take time for yourself. When your little girl falls asleep, lay her down, and take a break to sit by yourself. As moms, we have to do these things, be good to yourself. Thank you for sharing yourself here. I, too, feel the same way about my blog, sometimes that it's more of a burden than anything else. Keep running the good race, mama, you're doing an awesome job.
ReplyDelete*tears* Thank you for being real Mandy!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I feel like I can relate to much of what you have written. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done and the stress and worry we put on ourselves for everything to be perfect compounds an already complex job. From what I can tell, you are doing an excellent job. And taking time out for you isn't going to detrimentally affect your child. Instead, it will make you feel refreshed and renewed afterwards - making you a less stressed and more attentive parent in the end. God bless!
ReplyDeletenoahbabyblog.com
Its so hard to be an over achiever, I know this. I was in that same place a few months ago. I remember breaking down and crying a lot, feeling like I'm failing, or feeling like I can't do it all, and I should. I'm sorry you had to run into this and almost burn out. Its hard dealing with all this.
ReplyDeleteFinding the middle ground is key. Its hard to let go of wanting to do it all at 150%, but you will feel so much better after a while.
Im so glad you've written this post. LKoys of us feel the same way. :)
I really think this post is great. You are amazing and guess what?? I think that MOST people want to read whatever you want to write about instead of what you think people want to read...if that makes sense :) Hope you feel better <3
ReplyDeleteI know everyone is basically saying this but this post is basically what my heart and mind have been trying to get my fingers to write and my mouth to say. Everything. The food, the working out, the baby wearing and worrying, the housekeeping,EVERYTHING!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the hardest part of change is doing it....but trying will defintley make life happier and easier sometimes
Your frustration is palpable in your post. And I have to say, I can't relate at all! I think I'm more of an opposite of you (meaning I tend to be an underachiever..also something I'm working on). I pump, I do what I can around the house, I let my lil guy cry sometimes and definitely let him play alone, but it's all on my terms. I'm not trying to be anything I'm not or force myself into something like an ill-fitting puzzle piece. And I too would love to buy everything at Whole Foods, but can't afford it. :)
ReplyDeleteRemember that in modern parenting, a lot of things sound good in theory, but in practice just don't work. God made babies to cry, it's what they do. God also made partners for us to give us that break that we need.
Trust that you are an amazing mamma to Lily and a great blogger. You were one of my first inspirations to start blogging myself. More than anything, pile your burden's at His feet, don't try to take them on yourself...but, I know you already know that!
Thank you for writing this; I think a lot of mamas can really relate. Especially since most likely anyone who reads this is a blogger, and 'mom blogs' tend to make people appear absolutely perfect, and it can be extremely discouraging trying to compare yourself to these selfless wonder women (who probably, in reality, could agree with everything you just wrote).
ReplyDeleteI love your road rage remark :) After my first daughter, in an effort to stop screaming my head off like a lunatic every time I got on the interstate, I used to pretend I had a carton of eggs in the passenger seat. Every time another driver made me angry, I'd pretend to throw an egg at them. It probably sounds more crazy than the actual screaming, but it helped!
*tears X one million*
ReplyDeletethank you for this, Mandy. I can relate to so much of it. It constantly amazes me how difficult it is to juggle everything. I am always feeling like I could be giving more in some other area of life. I've recently let go of the clean house gig....a quote that really helped me was "Sorry about the MESS, but we LIVE here."
Hope your day is filled with HIM. :)
A lot of the time I feel like I want my life to be "perfect" too. But then I remember that there is no real perfect! Your life is perfect the way it is and while it's good to have goals, take time each day to work through them. Allow god to work through them with you. And remember that He gave you the life you have now and there's no reason to want too much more :) hang in there girl! We all fall short most days. xo
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I'm tearing up! I am not a mom or a wife or anything, BUT I feel THE SAME WAY!!!!! I feel burdened in the same way, I feel like I have this IMAGE of myself that I always WANT to uphold, but can never uphold.
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere recently that we need to see ourselves the way God sees us. And God sees you as such a dedicated believer, lover, friend, parent. We need to hold on to God's love for us and just sit in his glory and presence. Oh man, I am so glad you poured your heart out. It is so freeing to read your story because it reminds me that I am not alone in feeling like I need to be PERFECT, I am also not alone in knowing that I am helpless without the Lord.
Good luck, stay strong and you are an amazing amazing inspiration! Seriously!
This post was incredibly inspriring and wonderfully authentic. I applaud you for your recognition of needing balance, letting the small and insignificant things wait, and realizing that your daughter is well taken care of by Jesus first, then you and your husband second. This is something I know I will have to learn as well once our son arrives and it's been a blessing hearing your wisdom. Thank you for this post! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds exactly like me, 3 years ago when our daughter was Lily's age. Those mom's who have it all together, they don't exist. And if someone says they do, they are flat out lying to you. Motherhood is HARD. You'll get through it. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and it's ok to have a messy house and be jealous when you want some time to yourself. IT'S OK. You're are a blessing to the women who read your blog, and I know God will continue to use your honestly to help other moms.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. Reading this, I felt as though you were describing me. I do the same thing, constantly trying to be perfect and get everything done. Work out, eat healthy, be a good wife, be a good employee, get straight As, keep a clean house. You're right, it gets exhausting and why worry when the Lord is there to pick us up and guide us. I am already obsessed about being a good parent, reading everything I can find, researching cloth diapers and making your own baby food, and figuring out how to save money... and we don't even want to have a baby for another five years. That's how crazy I am... so don't feel bad :)
ReplyDeleteYou're blog inspires me and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your worries and I'm glad to know neither am I. You are definitely a great godly women that I admire. :)
I am going through a hard time right now as well and last night I spent the night next to my boyfriend crying. I think it is good to let it out sometimes, even if we don't really want to and hope that our men just let us have a moment of weakness. Of course the hard times we are going through are completely different, I understand where you are coming from completely! What I am trying to remember is Don't get down on yourself.....Don't get down on yourself as Mandy..and don't get down on yourself about a Mama or a Wife, You are doing the best you can and to the people you love..that is worth it. Stay Strong, Your Blog Followers love you!
ReplyDelete-Ashlee Michelle
http://lifeofashlee.blogspot.com/
Ok, I didn't read all the comments so forgive me if this is super repetitive. First, I think we've all been where you are right now. I'm not saying that to make you feel that your feelings aren't valid, because of course they are, I'm just saying that I went through something very similar, and know many other moms who have as well. When my daughter was about 4 months old, I had an absolute panic attack. She wasn't sleeping- ever. I was exhausted. My house was a disaster. My husband was distant. Heck, even my dogs looked sad. I wanted to be this perfect AP mama, but it wasn't working. I got scared that I picked the wrong parenting style, that my instincts were wrong, that I was never gonna make it to a year. But then I realized that I didn't have to be the perfect AP mama. I just had to be the perfect mama to my little girl. For us, that meant doing some modified sleep training around 7 months. That meant putting her in a stroller and going for a run... and not stopping when she started fussing. It meant asking for help a little bit more and cooking a little less. She's 15 months now, and I doubt myself sometimes. But now I'm more likely to follow what I think is best for us, and not do what the book says. So give yourself time... you'll find your groove.
ReplyDeleteOh, and what kind of carriers do you have? I still wear my daughter a lot and never have issues with back pain... maybe you should check out some other carriers? Is there a babywearing group near you? It could be super helpful. Best of luck mama!
Thanks for sharing. I think...as is obvious by all the comments...that we ALL struggle like this as women and especially as new moms. It sounds like God has already revealed himself to you and how you should respond, in the way your post resolves. It's really encouraging to me and reminds me to lean on the Lord too, and know that ultimately all is in His hand...not mine.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to put everything out there like this post but know that it is speaking to a lot of others and causing them to take a look at these things in themselves too. Thank you :)
great post! i'm not a mother yet so i don't understand most of these problems, but i know i will someday. thank you for your honesty and for a glimpse into what a real woman goes through. thank you for not pretending to be perfect or perfectly put together. i pray that God will give you freedom from the things that have been weighing you down.
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy...I could have written this post! I feel you %100! I love your real emotions & thoughts, thank you for being honest! You are lovely & amazing & I love your new goals for yourself and your family :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
I feel the same way very often and I recently had someone judge me for leaving my daughter overnight--and I assume it was the same thing that happened with you; jealousy. I feel like a lot my days are struggles and I barely blog anymore or find comfort in it. I thank you so much for writing this. It's nice to know there are others who feel the same and that bloggers don't constantly need to look perfect or have it all together! We're all human :)
ReplyDeleteI have never been touched by a blog post in this way. I prayed to the Lord last night about all these same feeling. I know it was God who led me to read this. (first time on your blog) and know that I am not alone with the expectations I put on myself. Thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAmen, and Amen again. Sending prayers up for you, me, and all other mommies who have the same feelings!
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I've been reading your blog for a little while now & I always wondered how you are always so optimistic and cheerful and nearly perfect! it's nice to read a blog/post every once in a while where it's completely stripped and no longer has the goal to get more readers (not that your always do) and gives you a chance to relate to the person. it reminds us that we're not alone. because we all go through this stuff. you seem like such an amazing person & I adore you & I wish we were real friends in person because you seem to be a neat and inspiring friend to have. keep your head up and stay YOU! thanks for pouring your heart out to us. what a brave thing to do. :) <3
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and I'm glad of it. Have been there. More than once. My motto when I feel it coming on again is, "stop analyzing and just do the next thing!" My family is happier when I am productive - regardless if I meet my goals for the day or check everything off of my list. My kids want ME and they have no concept of what other moms would be able to offer them (or not). Keep breathing!
ReplyDeleteit's okay, all of it, but you already know. if this blog becomes a burden, no one will mind if you take a break or blogcation. :) i'm glad you're going to be kinder to yourself. no one can be all things to everyone, without depleting themselves a little bit. we want you to be full, not depleted. truth.
ReplyDeletehttp://honeybeelane.blogspot.com/
If you think that readers want anything else except for this, you are so wrong. This is EXACTLY what we want to read. Honesty. Reality. Truth. Keep writing this way and you will continue to get more followers. This is the type of stuff we can ALL relate to, whether we are parents or not. It is difficult to admit our own faults, but when we do, we are on step closer to fixing the problem. The more honest you are, the more you will realize that you are not alone. May God bless you. You are truly a beautiful person.
ReplyDeleteOh, I love you, mama. I know this pressure all too well ... and, unfortunately, I know the feeling of bawling your eyes out because the pressure is too much all too well, too.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and know that you CAN find a lovely balance amidst all that self-induced pressure. :) *HUGS*
I can relate to everything you've said today. I ADORE your blog, I love the honesty you write into your words. Nothing is wrong with how you feel, being a SAHM is incredibly tiring and hard. We never get vacations, sick days or even a quiet 30 min lunch break. But being a SAHM is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world. You are such a wonderful, caring person.
ReplyDeleteWhat about kids that are born to drug addicts and paedophiles? Does the Lord think that that is all they are worth? That they only deserve what their parents give them?
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. You want to be SuperMom & Wonderwife & want to be able to do everything on your to-do list on your own, with no help. I'm the same way. I'm so stressed most of the time & it's not healthy. I think as Moms we need to realize that we do need a little "alone time" or "mama time". I think that makes us better since we have a little break & aren't so stressed. I have a hard time shutting off my thoughts & just sitting & relaxing. I think we all need to work on that.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this, I have recently been having similar struggles.
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy. <3 Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeleteWe all struggle in our walk, and in our every day life. You are definitely not alone, or even a minority at that. The feelings you mention above are what the majority of us feel.
We are constantly aiming to achieve the ultimate perfection. To be the best at everything we set our heart to. The fact of the matter is, as you mentioned, we may not physically or emotionally be able to be the best. God may not have that in store for us. Ultimately he decides what is best for us. And what our "best" talents are. All you can do is live your life serving him. He will take care of and provide for you, Kyle and Miss Lily.
I hope you get some much needed Mandy time soon. A night out with the gals will do your soul wonders. I have a group of about 7 super close girlfriends, some married, some single, some mommys, some not.... One of my best friends is the momma to a sweet 4 year old girl! I know it's hard for her when we do girly getaways, especially overnight ones, BUT, she has said herself, she goes home recharged after our yearly weekend with the girls. Be sure to take time for yourself Mandy. You are so deserving of it.
<3 God Bless You :)
Thank you for being brave and sharing the troubles you have been facing. So many of us face problems like this... yet we rarely talk about them! Stumbling onto a post like this one is like striking blog gold. Reaching out, being honest, and creating community around situations and emotions that we find hard to talk about: that is blogging at its best.
ReplyDeleteAt one point you mentioned that you were going to stop writing to get followers and start writing to share your heart. The blogs that I have been reading the longest (5yrs+) captured my heart with posts that were honest and brave just like this one. Other blogs have come in and out of my reader, but the honest, raw, and brave ones have stayed.
I hope that you find peace and joy again soon. And please keep writing! Clearly, I love your blog. : )
Good for you! I have that same problem, where i have to be the 'best' at everything. My husband finally had to MAKE me put my baby down and let her cry a little every day. The funny thing is, she is happier now! Crying lets a baby get energy and frustration out. It helps them learn how to spend time with themselves and self-soothe. And it makes me a better mom because I don't get so burned out. You are doing fantastic, and will do more for Lilly by taking care of yourself than by focusing solely on her every minute.
ReplyDeletethis is absolutely perfect. i feel the same way as you, in fact i just had a complete melt down on my husband about your exact same issues. keep being real, that's why i read your blog :)
ReplyDeleteI think we all feel like this at times, what an amazing post thank you for sharing you heart
ReplyDeleteAMAZING POST...
ReplyDeleteI went on a single mom rant on my blog the other day only to come across another blog and family who have it much harder than me... I then posted that I should just be lucky to be here and to be happy I have my baby and to have the things I have. If my laundry is piled up...so what.
xo,
dani
i dont comment often but had to just to tell you that you are awesome. i dont have any children of my own yet but i always read mom blogs and often compare myself to how perfect their lives seem to be. thanks for being honest. i know a lot of bloggers leave out the negative sides of their lives, im glad you are honest on your blog. it makes me love your blog even more. keep being fantastic!
ReplyDeleteYou are moving mountains in women's hearts in the name of Jesus. Thank you for sharing your heart like this, your words are such a blessing!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your experience and feelings. I am struggling with similiar feelings, as I am sure a lot of moms and women do. Its nice to know we aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteWOW! So real Mandy! Thanks for being real! God will honor all your efforts and make up for what you lack. Remember God is your "El Shaddai"- all sufficent one. He is sufficent even when your not. Sounds like you just went throught a realization....God gives those to us. To help us remember we need him! Way to go... I think your on your way to a great balance!!! Don't let Satan beat you up with lies girl!!! You are a great mom!!!!! I can tell!! Because you care, otherwise you wouldn't take the time to share this!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy you're precious. Thank you for all of your honesty. :) May God direct you each day in gentleness as you desire to change some things in your life. :)
ReplyDeleteOh my. I'm sure a million other commenters have said this, but thank you for writing this post, thank you for being real, and I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you right now.
ReplyDeleteAlso - I think that what you are feeling is 100 percent normal. And that is why it is so wonderful that you write this - putting words on the page gives voice to a millon other young mothers like you who feel similar feelings.
I'm a former AP junkie. I have all the Dr. Sears books, 4 different baby carriers, I gave birth with no pain meds, I cosleep, I breastfeed (which meant cutting out everything in my diet because colic), I never let my child cry alone (she had colic so crying was unavoidable). But I have attachment parenting. All it does is traffic in guilt. It makes mothers feel guilty for meeting their own needs. I only came to realize this about 1 month ago, and boy is it liberating.
I still do many AP things. But I don't feel guilty about taking a break.
It is fine to let your child be out of your arms for a while. It is fine to take a shower. To go out for coffee. To take a break.
All this energy and angst that we put into parenting, I think, is a uniquely North American obsession. I can't think of any other culture that invests so much into raising their babies, and I don't think that we as North AMericas are better off for this huge input of time / energy / emotion.
I read a couple of posts about the improtance of meeting the needs of both mother and child last night. Perhaps they'll help you. http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/01/20/intersecting-needs-maslow-interdependence-parenting-caregiving-relationships/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/01/14/childs-hierarchy-of-needs/
Thank you again. And much peace.
This was my first time reading your blog... thank you
ReplyDeleteOh, Mandy. Thank you so much for your beautiful honesty. You are a real person and you shouldn't have to beat yourself up. Everyone in the blogosphere loves you and you don't have to earn our recognition. <3 I love your new outlook. You go girl. <3<3
ReplyDeleteWow! I just came across your blog. I can SO relate to a lot of what you're talking about here. I am a "recovering perfectionist"...I say that as a joke, but it's not really funny. I still struggle with some of this same stuff...the wanting to do everything PERFECTLY. It just can't be done. Anyway...love what you said about the Lord and how you're going to rely on the Lord. Blessings, Mama...and know that you're not alone in this struggle.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to following you in this journey.
Blessings!
hi-d
Mandy!! this is my favorite post!! i love that your arent afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve. you are an amazing God fearing women, a great wife and a loving mother.
ReplyDeleteAs you can see so many of us mother's can totally relate to the feelings that you are having. I was in exactly the same place you are in a few months ago, right when you think you head is going to explode things get better. your baby starts crawling and exploring and soon they will be crying to be let down. just be strong you start getting more freedom soon.
as for writing what you want and not to please others i'm in love with that! that's what im trying to do too. it feels better and from the heart. plus i think it is what people want to hear. I care about the real stuff.
tons of love
-amy
I am Going through the samething. I always feel like I'm not doing good enough for my family, but sm quick to judge others- my husband, mother, and friends included. This is well put girl we cannot be perfect :)
ReplyDeleteI smile when women are real because it makes me happy to know that we can all relate more than we realize. It takes courage to be real and I hope it felt good! It blesses others so much:) If it is any consolation I didn't ever like to let my daughter cry either for a full year...and I nursed her and did not do bottles so I couldn't ever leave hear and I got a lot of grief from people which compounded my anxiety at times. There is peace in knowing that it is such a short season in the scheme of things. My friends who have older kids were so critical of me...they forgot what it was like to have just one little baby and what it is like to be a new mom and to have mom separation anxiety etc. I get it. Don't beat yourself up! As you grow as a mom and learn (as you are sharing here) you will naturally fall into new patterns that make life easier. It took me 16 months to be able to leave my daughter in the nursery without her screaming and breaking my heart...now she plays and doesn't cry. God will reward your patience. Hang in there momma and even though you don't feel like you are doing 150%...you are doing so much more than that actually!! You rock!
ReplyDeleteYour middle ground sounds achievable and healthier...AND happier. I appreciate your being real with everyone. My husband is away for the next 2 weeks, and my "burnt out" status has reached a new high. I want to cry most nights because I am piling things on top of things and part of me says, "You need to calm down! Eliminate things! Stop being so hard on yourself." but I feel like I HAVE to do all of these things. I have to prove something...to who?
ReplyDeleteBe what you can when you can. We all have goals, but sometimes life gets in the way, and we just have to settle for less than 150%. You'll get there. :)
Oh isn't being a type A personality grand? I can totally relate to this, so thanks for sharing your heart. It was a good reminder for me to do the same. God bless you and your darling little family! xo
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog, and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for sharing so honestly your feelings. As a new mom myself who just finished six rounds of chemo I can completely relate! I've had to let go of a lot of my expectations of motherhood and accept that there are a lot of things that I cannot do, and that it's okay! It's tough sometimes, though, and I too struggle at times with feelings of anger. But your writing beautifully reminded me that God is our strength and our song. I love how you put that, and I love that it's true! Thank you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteoooh, I am in love with your blog too... amazingly refreshing! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post!
ReplyDeleteI too suffer from "overachievement" disorder. Okay, I don't think that's a disorder, but it should be. Ha. I have missed out on so much because I have refused to do anything I am not immediately amazing at. And, I set myself up for failure by thinking I can be a perfect wife, friend, employee, etcetera. The fact is, everyday, something is going to get less attention than something else. I've found that prioritizing is a lot more effective than trying to do everything on my list perfectly...Better to do one or two things very well than to do ten things half-way.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I know is that beating yourself up for things un-done, or not done to your expectation, causes a lot of grief, not only to yourself, but to those around you. And, it can be immobilizing! A well of self-hatred eventually stops you from doing much of anything. Or, so has been my experience.
Anyway, that was a long-winded way of saying that this is a fantastic and very relevant post. Thank you for sharing, my dear; it sounds like you're on the road to "recovery" already.
Thank you for being so real! Our little boy is not much younger than your precious girl. I have totally felt or am currently feeling everything you just wrote about. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I can't thank you enough for saying the things you said because I know someone else feels the same. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteWow! U are amazing and it was like I was meant to find this post. I really needed it! Thank you so much for your honest post and sharing your faith in God. Sometimes I forget the important stuff. this was a great reminder!
ReplyDelete--JeNeal
Goodness girl! Praying for you!!! I'm not a mom yet but I related in so many ways. Being a newly wed sure has a lot of expectations not only from myself, then my husband, but all our friends and family as well. Sometimes you just can't keep up, and that is OK. I'm so thankful that you shared this. You're such an honest person and it's why I love love love your blog. You already are an amazing mama but you will be even more amazing when you find that middle ground, when you stop forcing yourself to do everything 150%, and when you take some time for you. Praying lots and lots for you and your little family during this time!!!
ReplyDeleteI got crabbed at because I apparently was not leaving a good enough comment for your post. I just wanted to say that I really relate. It was my first time on your blog and I was a little short on words at the moment. I think that casting our worries on Jesus really helps. I'm not a mom, but I've been through some stressful situations and that is the only thing that has really helped me. Cut yourself some slack---it's okay to do things just 100%, or even 99.9% :) Praying for you!! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is just so so great. I feel all the same pulls and add in that I feel like I am not giving enough of my time to our church, too! Then if I do excel at one of those areas it is usually at the sacrifice of another area. I applaud your recognition that 75% is right where you need to be! And a big heck YES to date and girls nights!
ReplyDeleteThere are so many comments on here and this is the first time I have read your blog but I just wanted to say from one mama to another if you need a GOOD (well researched and written by a sleep psychologist and peadatrician) book for helping you with the big change in sleeping then I can recommend Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child by Dr Marc Weissbluth. I imagine it will be very different from what you've been doing from what you said but I think it will also help with making the changes and not making you feel bad for doing it.... This is a very real honest post and I totally get that desire to be the perfect one at everything.
ReplyDeleteSomos você amiga!!!
ReplyDeletebjs e Deus te abençoe.
Sane - Rio de Janeio
I think lots of moms feel like this sometimes, give yourself a break you'll feel better and be a more relaxed mommy :) Love your post
ReplyDeleteI am a little late perhaps posting to this but none the less I echo the sentiments of the other comments offering you a heart felt hug for your honesty and I pray that in the days to come you truly do learn to be a bit more forgiving of yourself. You see you are not alone as you are in the company of women everywhere. Continue to strive towards the goal holding steadfast to the hand that cares.
ReplyDeletethis is my first time here. and i totally relate. it is good to see my similar thoughts written out and especially good to be inspired by your new hopes. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletethere is nothing more beautiful and strong than a woman who can be honest when things are overwhelming and one that can lean on the Lord for all things! good luck practicing balance!
ReplyDeletei have just found you and it is truly God that sent me here! you have just said everything i wanted to say but never know how. Thank you!!
ReplyDelete-Ash-
I can totally relate to your post. I too have to work on finding the middle ground! Thank you for posting.
ReplyDeletethanks for being real.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for a while and it needed this....makes us all feel human as well.
so thank you :)
I linked this post on my blog. Thank you again for your honesty it has really made me think and given me some peace of mind.
ReplyDeletecuteandpeculiar.blogspot.com
Mandy! This was such a blessing to read. Truly.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a beautiful heart friend. Thank you for sharing this. This is a lot like what I've been going through too lately. Thank you for sharing this!
I just found your blog through your guest post on Bekah's blog. I feel like I relate to every.single.word you are writing!!! I need to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. And I need to stop trying to seem perfect as well. GAH. Your so right and I feel much better having read such true words. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness. It's like you opened up my brain and wrote out exactly how I feel, but I do not have the words the way you do to describe how I feel. You have perfectly described the nine weeks I've lived since my daughter was born. I can't even begin to tell you what it means to read these words. I've been a long-time reader, so I know you usually write fabulousness, but this. This touched me. Thank you for sharing this, and thank you for putting into words the emotions that I cannot!!
ReplyDeleteMandy! I don't know you but I found your blog through a mutual friend. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST!!!!! You described almost exactly how I have been feeling! I am one of those women who wants to prepare all of my family's meals from scratch, work out for an hour a day, wear and carry my baby all day, never let her cry, and have a perfect house. I have been struggling with everything and with finding balance. It is so nice to know I am not the only one! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI'm not even a Momma, but I have such deep admiration for those of you who are. I admire your ability to eloquently write about the challenges you face (without sugarcoating anything) while still being able to balance it out with thoughts on what makes parenting so.worth.it.
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully and have a wonderful little blog here; I only found you because a friend of mine linked this post in her own blog about thoughts on motherhood. I can't wait to read more!
Hi..You dont know me, I found your blog through the Kind bloggers pledge which I found through a friend's blog :) But, I would like to follow you. I am a new mom, and things that you said in this blog are exactly where I am right now too. Thank you for putting this into words!! It is so nice to hear that someone else is going through/feeling the same way I am!
ReplyDeleteHaha, this sounds so much like my life! I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic it was for me to read this. To know that I am not the only mom/woman who feels these things. And kudos for having the balls to put it all out there like that! I think I have found a new favorite blog:)
ReplyDelete