I ran into an old friend the other day. We exchanged pleasantries, and inquired about each others lives. After gushing over Lily's cuteness, my friend asks the inevitable question, "So, are you working, or are you just staying at home taking care of baby?" CRINGE. I know this particular friend meant absolutely no harm, so I have no hard feelings. But I cringe when people say things like that. Yes, I am a stay at home mom. But, no, I am not "JUST" staying at home. (Or maybe I am being uber sensitive and my friend didn't use the word, I just heard the word "just" because I have been a little sensitive about this issue lately.)
It seems like becoming a stay at home mom gets boiled down to "settling." Especially in the eyes of others, I feel like when I say I am a SAHM, I get the pat on the back, and "oh, that's nice." It especially irks me because I am uncomfortably aware of how I viewed stay at home moms before I became one myself. I viewed being a home maker as someone who either sold themselves out, or couldn't figure anything else to do with their life. HORRIBLE! I know... Feel free to start casting stones now.
Now, being a stay at home mom, I know that is anything but the case. Being a SAHM is one HECK of a hard job. You don't get breaks. You don't get days off. You can't take a "personal" or a "sick" day. I have had plenty of jobs in my day, and none have been as challenging as being a stay at home mom.
I catch myself giggling and rolling my eyes when I hear someone without children saying, "Oh, I am so tired." Or, rather my ALL time favorite, "Where has my social life gone?" (Social life? What is a social life?!) It takes everything within me not to be snarky and reply, "Honey, you don't even know what the word tired means until you have a baby."
But, then I have to remind myself that I too, was once was wearing the exact "shoes" that they are, and I should have a lot more grace for others than I do presently. (We are all a work in progress, right?)
Being a stay at home mom requires your entire being. There is not an ounce of yourself that you can claim as your own. Self sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning. My best friend, Jami and I were talking today about how becoming a mother makes you more "human." I remember the days when I wouldn't be caught dead without make up on. Seriously, I would get all dolled up JUST to go to the grocery store. I was consumed with how others viewed me. In short, I took myself a little to seriously. Becoming a mother has stripped me down to a very human level. The choices I make now, I question, "Do I want my daughter making this decision?" The way I live my life now will affect the decisions and choices she makes in her life. And I sure as heck pray that I am making wise ones.
Anyway, back to being a SAHM requiring your whole being... It really does. Choosing to give your life to another; to set aside your desires and wants to insure a little human is raised up in the way that he or she should go... it takes a lot of blood, sweat, and (many) tears. But, it also opens up a whole new side of yourself you have never seen.
Since being a mom, I have come to grips with my human-ness; I have stood face to face with my weakness and inadequacies, and laid them before my maker. I have learned in my weakness, HE is strong. I have found beauty deep within myself that I was unaware of before. I have laughed harder, and found even deeper joy in giving myself to another. I have fallen deeper in love, and felt love stronger than I have ever before. Being a mother defiently has its rewards.
So, my friends... next time you run into an old friend who is a stay at home mom, please stop what you are doing, hug that woman, and tell her how proud you are of her for doing her job well. Her job is sacred, and deserves a pat on the back, and some understanding of its difficulties from time to time. That woman is never "just." She is a woman who is giving all of herself. She is a woman who wears an invisible cape.
One million amens.
ReplyDeleteLOVE it. I was at church the other day when a friend of mine (in the middle of the service...?) says, "so are you still at the office?" I replied, "no." She goes on to ask, "So what are you doing then???" I simply looked around at all the little monkeys crawling all over me (4 of 'em) and said, "um... THIS." I'm really sensitive about it too, but dang!... it IS irritating. I loved your post!
ReplyDeleteAWESOME post!! I am a stay at home mom, and I get comments at times about wasting my education, etc. SO NOT TRUE! And yes, being a SAHM is the hardest thing I have ever done. My poor husband walked in the door after work tonight to find me sobbing on the couch. It had been a hard mommy day. But it's also so very joyful to be a mom!
ReplyDeletei feel like becoming a stay at home mom helped me discover the person that i truly wanted to be. this job is tedious, but there's nowhere else i'd rather be. i actually cringe when i think about both of my boys being school age, because i feel like this is what i was made to do. what then?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think you're looking into what your friend said WAY too much. Yes, everyone knows mom's are superheros and work hard. Like you said, she didn't mean anything bad from it, so there really isn't a justifiable reason to get so worked up over it. Your friend said one word, and it causes you to bitch about it through your blog and become bitter and defensive with the mentality of "ugh! No one knows that being a mom is 24/7 job!"
ReplyDeleteExcuse me if I write a paragraph but once again I feel like God has presented me exactly the words I needed to hear! I found out I was pregnant less than a month after I graduated high school. I had never considered not going to college and still didn't. I graduated with my General Associates degree last summer through *mostly* online classes and have constantly struggled with what I want to major in, with what I want to do for a career. I finally realized that the reason I have struggled with it so much is that at this season in my life (my son will be two in February) I do not want a career outside the home. I want to invest 100% of my time in my son and my relationship with his father. As of right now I am enrolled to continue school in January but have been considering the possibility withdrawing. It has never been a consideration until recently and I don't want others to think I am "dropping out" because I can't do it, I want everyone to know I am making a conscious decision to devote my time to raising my son and being a housewife. Reading your post definitely helped reassure me of how important that job is! Sorry for the book, but thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy,
ReplyDeleteFunny how God works in wonderful ways. Today I was just visiting a friend of mine. She's one of those "just a stay at home moms" ;) she too has to deal with people asking her constantly about her career, since she used to be a teacher and was successful in her career. But she is in the same boat you are in. She too understands that people don't understand but it is still disheartening. Today when I went to see her, I was so sad for her. I know it is a hard season for her because of the ages of her two young children but she does it and trusts God with it. She is always putting her needs on the backburner to serve her family and she loves doing so, but it is exhausting. My hat goes off to you and I feel your frustration. Praying for all the SAHM out there who need encouragement, I am sure it is a constant struggle, but you guys are not just sitting at home, it is hard hard hard work. YOU are raising a little person, taking care of a home, teaching them, eating, cooking, cleaning, loving a husband, etc. And there is very little you time, I know it is hard. So I am proud of you! Keep it up sweet girl :)
@anonymous:
ReplyDeleteIt has nothing to do with what her friend said, or meant...more the way it makes us stay at home moms feel. It has a certain connotation with it and we often feel ourselves getting ready to defend what we do whether we need to or not. I think only a stay at home parent could truly relate.
Anon- if you go back and re-read the first paragraph, it is that word that makes those of us who are SAHMs maybe feel a little inadequate. At least I know that is how I feel when I get the hear the "just" stay at home comment and even when I say it myself downplaying my significance in society. I didn't read it as a rant, more of a call to fellow SAHMs that we are doing important work. But again, my perspective is as a fellow SAHM so that is just how I read it.
ReplyDeleteNever the less, I think this is a beautifully written post, Mandy!
Amen! I'm really not ashamed to say that this has bothered me quite a bit for some time and it makes me happy to see someone step out and publicly recognize the blessing and hard work of being a homemaker/stay at home mom, that it's not just a "just" situation. Thank You!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - looks like you're the one getting a little bit too worked up. ;) Take a deep breath, and go find another blog to curse on.
ReplyDeleteHere here! I couldn't agree more.
ReplyDeleteI think stay at home moms definitely work hard- but so do ALL moms. Being a mom is all those things you said regardless of what you do. I teach 20 second graders, all of whom are completely poverty stricken. They have big emotional issues that come from lack of stability, and it is exhausting. It was exhausting before I had a baby, and it's even more exhausting now. I work all day and come home and am still working taking care of my 2yold. I'm a single mom, and I don't have the luxury of not working. However, I certainly work just as hard as a stay at home mom.
ReplyDeleteOne of my parents worked the night shift at a packing plant. She took that job 1) so she could move her kids out of the inner city and 2) so she can take care of her 14 year old's newborn during the day in hopes of stopping the cycle of women not finishing high school. That's a super mom- and she's working.
I think you're point is valid. Staying at home is beautiful and wonderful, and in a lot of ways best for kids. However, moms who work aren't working any less hard. They are just using their energy differently.
moms are superwomen.
I read a comment on a forum the other day from a new SAHM mom and she said that she might start doing something or other because 'its not like I have anything better to do than laundry' and I was all....WAahhhaaaaat? Are you kidding me?
ReplyDeleteThis is, for sure, the hardest job I have ever had. And yeah...tired takes on a whole new meaning once you have kids involved. Because two year olds dont understand 'no sweetie, mommy wants to sit down' all they hear is 'No, sweetie, Mommy cant do that with you right now'.
I've always hated how people nowadays view being a SAHM or a homemaker. So many people view it as being lazy or unmotivated or as if those women have no true vision for their life. Ever since I was little I've wanted to be a SAHM/homemaker and people would always look at me and be like, "REALLY!?" So annoying. It's a wonderful job and I think you rock!
ReplyDeleteI second Ashley and Jude's comment about all mom's being superheroes. SAHM's are amazing but this post sort of discredits those that also juggle work and caring for their household. Neither type of mom is better than the other and both deserve recognition. Each mom is sacrificing something. Great post overall though! Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteWell said Mandy. You have said much wisdom in this post. And like the saying goes, "a mother's job is never done," we'll continue to learn and grow through motherhood -- for the rest of our lives I surmise. Because when does motherhood end? What a beautiful job we have. Awesome encouraging words.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this post discredits working moms (I've been reading the other comments). I totally get what you are saying, and I don't see where you put anything about working moms having it easier than SAHM's.
ReplyDeleteI actually recently read an article that my cousin (who is a CEO of a large company and a mom of 2 little ones) posted on her Facebook about how working moms are usually more healthy and less depressed than stay at home moms. I think that right there shows that being a SAHM does take a toll that only a SAHM can understand. Anyways! I just thought I'd put my two cents in on that subject.
Love that you're blogging again!
I couldn't have said it better myself, mama. Instead of viewing the role as SAHM as settling, I view it as the ultimate goal I have in life. I WISH I could be a SAHM but that's not where we are right now. Soon, though, hopefully! :) I think being a SAHM is the hardest yet most fabulous "job" a mama can have. <3
ReplyDelete:( i shouldn't have read all these comments, because it has made me sort of sad. when i read this i didn't see this in any way as a working moms vs SAHM thing, but more of an encouragement from one SAHM to another. and for that-thank you.
ReplyDeletemy real comment to you was this--might sound corny, but i read your last paragraph and felt that it was your virtual hug to me. it actually made me tear up. this is by far the hardest job i've had, but one that i chose and one that i wouldn't trade for the whole world. thanks again for your encouragement :)
Knowing Mandy as I do, I don't believe for a second that she meant that working moms didn't work as hard. She only was speaking for those who have the choice to stay at home. She is asking for recognition for SAHM's that is as much work as any mom, working outside the home or not.
ReplyDeleteYou have written a gem. I am actually on my way to a second interview. It's for a job that basically would be a dream job for me. But I can't tell you how much I feel like the Lord was reminding me that the last 14 months of staying home with my son has been the hardest thing I have ever done. ANd a job well done! Being a SAHM is the closest thing I can think of to being Christ Like. It is a sacrifice, but it is completely motivated through Love. I thank you friend. This has reminded me that even if I don't score this job... I am still something to be proud of. I am still a loved daughter and using ever bit of what God has designed in me to it's full potential! Bless you. and HIGH FIVE!
ReplyDeleteJenn
(olivesandpennies.com)
Whoever thinks being a stay at home mom is easy needs a slap to the mouth. But the same goes for being a working mom. They are both difficult in their own ways with unique challenges. You may have had jobs before but did you have one while raising a child? It's not easy either and it shouldn't be a goal to try and one-up each other about which one is 'harder'.
ReplyDeleteI think people get very defensive with their choices and may take other people's words as something they are not supposed to be, which it sounds like happened.
I also had something to say about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. I didn't feel like this post was about that in any way. I respect every mom - moms that need to earn money for her family, or ones that don't have to in this season.
ReplyDeleteThere's a facet here about stay-at-home moms that you touched on. It's that being a "mom" isn't a satisfying job title to other people. When people ask what you do, in comparison to -- artist, secretary, waitress, teacher.... the job "mother" falls short of people's expectations. There's a lack of respect to that, and there definitely shouldn't be. It's expected that we as moms, should, and should want to, go get a job and a respected title, find someone to watch our kids, even if our plates are full and there's not a need to earn extra money. When I'm asked my job, I struggle against my insecurities to think up something that I like to do on the side and say that's my job title, instead I put on a brave smile and say "mother," and that is enough description for me. I know how you feel -- it's not just a "just." It's enough.
Whoa..you said it!!!! I caught myself the other day telling someone "i just stay at home with kaela" Then I corrected myself pretty quickly with "wait..no I don't JUST stay at home...I'm a MOM!" What an amazing post mandy, you write so beautifully!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate this so much. This is where I am at too. I am on the mission field (Mexico) with my husband and people back home are always like... okay so your husband leads this Bible Studies, does this outreach, etc etc. What do you do? I say I am a SAHM but I am as involved as I can be... and I get that same look. Thank you for giving me encouragement in being a SAHM! You are doing great! KEEP IT UP!
ReplyDeleteI love the 'invisible cape' description. I too, also cringe when the question comes up. Because, although I am beyond proud and blessed to be a SAHM ... in other's eyes ... it's more often than not frowned down upon. I use to be a business lady, working 12 hr shifts DAILY, and often weekends too. While that was rather hard because I was away from my daughter ... being a SAHM is also hard. It's not necessarily as 'easy' as non-SAHM's portray it to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit surprised that SAHMs think they are looked down upon. In my circle of friends/relationships, being a SAHM is the DREAM. It's a sign that you can afford to not work. It's a sign that your husband (or wife, if you are a SAHD family) is providing enough for your family to get by on. It's almost like a luxury, not a chore. Even before I had my baby, I knew I wanted to be a SAHM for his first five years. I knew it was the most vital time in his development, the time when I would have the most influence and I didn't want to leave that up to someone else. I prayed all throughout my pregnancy that the Lord would allow me to be a SAHM for at least 3 months and that my husband would make enough for that to happen. Now we are 7 months on, and the Lord is still providing. I'll take each day I can.
ReplyDeleteThere are thousands of working moms out there that wish they could be a SAHM. So I say we start thanking our lucky stars that we are able to do it!
Ah! So many times have I been asked if I was a "just"....and even found myself saying it sometimes, to avoid more uncomfortableness.
ReplyDeleteThere have been, however, those few people who upon finding out what it is I do, stop, look me in the eye and remind me that what I am doing is great...So worth it and that they admire my dedication.
Those people, though few and far between, have made me cry EVERY time.
We have made sacrifices, and ever month is a wish and a prayer that we can pay our bills. We don't get to "go out" with friends, we have one car, we don't buy clothes/anything new because we don't have the money. I am not complaining though, its a sacrifice we are okay with because its worth it to us to live a little...uncomfortably...right now for the sake of spending these formidable years with our son.
I do also give props to those who have no other choice but to work, and I admire that. You women are appreciated too!
But I had the choice. Its a hard job. I feel like I work harder now than I ever did before I was a mama....day and night....no breaks with a pot of coffee:P
Thanks, Mandy, for being honest and for sticking up for us against the stigma...cause sometimes we even apply it to ourselves.
Thank you for this post.... I left working full time ministry at a mega church in the DC area to be a full time mom to my son Judah. My husband actually suggested that I take most of my pregnancy off to get adjusted to being a stay at home mom. This drove me crazy, I am a workaholic, I love to work, working at the church was pretty intense, setting up women's conferences of several thousand women, putting people into small groups, graphic design and doing this all at once, it was the norm to walk into work after a sunday and have 200 emails. I loved this....and I volunteered with the high school students on the side. How did I survive...well lots of prayer and coffee or the occasional red bull. When I got pregnant with Judah I couldn't do the red bull or coffee (I was pregnant) and I was sick to my stomach the first 7 months (Had a break for about a month) and was sick again. So I couldn't keep up at my job. I felt like a failure. I also had the assumption that once I have Judah I would be bored out of my mind with nothing to do. The occasionally laundry load or keeping the house clean while I feed and put on diapers. This should be easy. I can handle this, I've been through allot more stress/deadlines ect with my job. But now that I am a stay at home mom, to a newly one year old, let me tell you its hard. Being around a child that can't verbally communicate with you unless its by screaming, crying or the smiles, it can drive you batty, it drains you emotionally and physically (Your carrying around 20+ pds of baby all day), changing diapers, making sure they are fed, yeah you can get breaks for naps but what if he/she didn't want to nap for the day, or the process of getting them down, its madness sometimes. Then when your husband comes home trying to make sure the house looks decent and that you have dinner ready (its crazy even trying to make dinner with a baby who needs your full on attention). Being a SAHM is hard, its fun, I wouldn't change it for the world, I am blessed to be able to stay at home with Judah. But its hard. I don't think allot of people understand how hard it is. In my area (the DC area) its common for moms to go back to work. We decided that for now its best for me to stay at home with Judah. But I do always get that look of shock when I tell people I am a stay at home mom and the occasional comments of how lucky it is that I don't have to work. Its work being a stay at home mom. My husband struggles with taking care of Judah full time on a Saturday when I need a break. Its work, I just get paid differently :-)
ReplyDeleteAn old man who is really proud of his SAHM daughter! You're the best!
ReplyDeleteOhmygoodness, I loved this post. I am not a SAHM. However, that is my end goal. I plan on working until I have enough money saved up so that my husband and I can buy a home and I can stay home with our future children. When I tell others that my dream is to be a mom and not the typical "job" I unfortunately feel that sinking feeling that they are judging me for not wanting to be a "working" mom. I have so much respect for you and other SAHMs. Keep doing what you are doing and know that you have the most important job on earth, raising up champions for Christ. What could be more important than training the future generation of strong followers of Christ?
ReplyDeleteI love this post :)
ReplyDeleteI am not married yet and dont have any kids but I think one of the hardest jobs in the world is a stay at home mom.
Basically my whole life all I've wanted to be is a stay at home mom.
I dont even have kids yet and I also cringe when people say things like that!
As a mom who did work fulltime - then stayed at home and now works outside the home one day a week - I get all sides. I have done it all and I can say that all are hard and wonderful for different reasons. Every choice is giving up something else. I guess that is what it boils down to - being a mom, any kind of mom is sacrificing something.
ReplyDeleteComing from a generation where most of my peers parents all worked - both mom and dad - there is a "what do you do all day" attitude to be had by those who just don't know. My mom worked, my friends moms worked. So no, the ones without kids ask me if I am bored at home or what do I do all day. But other moms know... at least they should. Being a mom is work - the hardest, most rewarding work.
my mom is a sahm and i admire her because she went to university but never worked to raise up her kids. Now THAT takes a lot of heart.
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!!!! Am going to share it on my blog (giving you credit of course) so hope thats okay! I love what you said, and how you said it. And I'm working per diem right now as a lawyer and get those shunned inquiries by others all the time! Doesn't feel good. But your post made me feel so much better ;) Thanks for the post, and amazing blog.
ReplyDeleteI may have been just as sensitive about being a working mom regarding comments about staying at home as sahm's are about not working. Living in the south, I hear more about the importance of staying at home probably. And it makes me feel pretty guilty because I just can't.
ReplyDeleteI admire sahms so much because they can poor in to their kids in so many important ways. But in general, I agree, moms who love their kids and do everything they can for them, are awesome and true heroes.
Exactly how I used to be and exactly how I feel now. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteMandy, I've been reading for months and this is the first time I've commented. This post just blessed my socks off! I am a SAHM to my 5month old son, I left a great career because my husband and I truly believe that this is what God is calling me to do at this point in my life. My job right now is to raise a man who loves God's word and His people...and, boy, are you right- it's the hardest job I've ever had! Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. My former boss told me he always asks women he meets, "Do you work outside the home?" He said they always smile and thank him for realizing that being at home is most definitely work. We're so blessed to have a God who gives us the strength we need to survive this season of life... that one day we'll look back on and wonder how it went by so quickly. :) Blessings from Allysa from thegoodenfamily.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteSemantics - isn't it amazing how one word can hold so much weight?
ReplyDeleteThis was beautiful and though I don't have children yet, I still completely agree. Moms deserve every trophy in the world. You are all wonderful superwomen. That said, I do disagree about you rolling your eyes at people that say they are tired. It is very possibly to feel utterly exhausted without having children. I know a full time fireman who is also a full time student taking 18 credits and has another full time job. He literally gets sometimes only 2 hours of sleep a night and is busy pulling people out of burning buildings half the time. I'm not demeaning being a SAHM in any way, I'm just saying be careful not to assume because it's just as rude as the people that assume things about SAHM. Just defending the other side as well, but no harm intended only love! : )
ReplyDeleteAmen sister.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about "do I want my daughter making this decision." It's made me think twice about how I talk/act about clothes, makeup even plucking my eyebrows and then also about how I speak and act and worship God in my life.
well said. I became a mom 13 years ago. I have been at home ever since. There were no blogs thirteen years ago and I felt utterly alone in my "just." SO I hope other mamas read this and take heart.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I feel like our culture doesn't value the role of the SAHM. Most of the people I know view it as "settling" But I feel like is a blessing and a calling of God. Of course I have days when I think it would be more glamourous to have a career but my girls are my new dream. http://youaremynewdream.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteSomeone in one of my classes mentioned that she's recently started interviewing for jobs after being a SAHM for many years. A couple potential employers looked at her resume and said, "Um. So what have you been doing for the past eight years?" Like staying at home with your kids = doing nothing with your life. It made me really nervous for when I start working again once Henry is older and that makes me mad because it shouldn't have to be like that! You know?
ReplyDelete